Metaphor

I cleaned the shit out of my room today and it still is not perfect, the way I would imagine the goal of my perfection. This is a metaphor. When my life is in shambles and a mess, that is my room. A mess. Shit just laying around everywhere...it's gross. This does not change for along time. Something I have a burst of cleaning my room, today was a day like that. This is me tidying my head. I am not done my room...there are still things scattered on the ground, sitting, dusty on my shelves. Stuff which I have banned to corners of my room as to not be noticed by people. This is a metaphor for my head. Because as it stands at this very moment, I feel alright. I can breathe without fear of getting that feeling that my breath has stopped. I can somewhat think of tomorrow without shedding a tear and having a tightness in my chest. This is the feeling I would like to achieve for the rest of my life, and maybe I am on my way.

I hit a rough patch again last night. The night scares me, especially when it begins to get dark, I feel as though day will never come again...and then I remember that I only have day and night to look forward to. That's the rest of my life. Falling asleep scared me as well. I don't know why. I don't understand these feelings.

i'm out,

- Lauren xox

Realization

It has come to my attention that I am NEVER going to get around to writing all about my wee trip to BC because SO much happened and it's definitely not the same.

Two weeks ago, a guy by the name of Orlando approached me. I was a wee apprehensive and all "WTF you want..?" and turns out he had seen my on youtube! CRAZY SHIAT. I know, I know. He was nice at first...then he sort of creeped me out. I don't know what to think about that whole encounter, it was odd, to say the least.

When it comes to sniffing out deals, I know where to go. Cheap is my moto. Maybe not a great one, but I like to spend as little money as possible. I don't see what the big deal is. Anywho, I found a very comprehensive book on Monty Python, for TWENTY-FIVE bleedin' CENTS. Yeah, that's right. I also got a PASHMINA SCARF for $2! Deal. I ALSO got a very pretty little halter top for $3! DEAL. Love it.

Website:

www.bookmooch.com

If you love books, but have too many, or books you just don't want and you want to replace the books you don't like, this is the website for you my friend. I have an inventory of 17 and I have already given away 7 books! Stellar. And I am going to be receiving 4 books in the next month! A guy from England is sending me Michael Palin's Bio., and I am also receiving "Cooking Vegetarian", "Miss Wyoming" and..."The English Patient" for me wee mother.

ALSO I am headed to dear Perth and Ottawa this weekend.

Have a good weekend.

- Lauren xoxo

BC - The Whistler Experience

Where do I start?
Vancouver, Day 1: Off the plane, kinda dazed. Go out for sushi at this crazy busy sushi place with Donna, Jesse, Josh, Rumi, Mom and Bry. My bedroom is right on Pacific St. which is tres busy and so I did not sleep great that night, not to mention the 3 hour time difference, which I know isn't anything, but I could feel it. I packed that night, again, to get ready for out trip up to Whistler for a few days. Sunday morn, Donna, Jesse, Mom and Bry and I pile into the mini van (ha, bryan, mini van) and head up into the hills...
Whistler, Days 2 through 4:
Arrive in Whistler. Donna and Jesse rush around trying to find all the family which is scattered throughout Whistler. We stayed in The Fairmont, which is SWANKY!!! But unfortunately, seeing as how Bryan had to make another trip back into the city, he couldn't get an upgrade and I had to sleep on a shitty pull out couch with just a wooden divider between Bryan and my mom's room and mine, and he snores and was being a dick face. So THAT whole part of the trip sucked, althought we had a corner room so we could see all the mountains and my room had a little ledge that I could sit at and watch the mountains. That night we headed up to Val's condo and met all the fam. Lot's of whom I did not know. So, as you can imagine, that was a wee bit awkward at first. I was already sorta upset because of Bryan, and missing my dad and then I accidentally spilled red wine on my mom, and I got really upset. After being introduced to everyone, I felt somewhat at home. The Hudson's are a huggy bunch, which I did not expect! Everyone welcomed me with open arms and so I did I them. I had known a few of the fam, such as: Donna (obvi), Jesse(obvi), Bry (d'er), Val, Rob, Carol and her son Hunter (who didn't remember me). The whole reason for this trip was for Brenton's (Val's third son) wedding. He works/lives in Whistler. Brenton is the manager of two restaurants and a club called Maxx Fish. That's where the wedding reception was to be held, but it looked so freakin' dank!

Let me tell you about some of our fucked family history: Bryan Hudson is my "step-father" (for lack of a better word) and his sister was married to my Uncle Stephen, who is my dad's brother.

Donna introduced Bryan to my mom and I think you know where it went from there. So pretty much the whole trip in Whistler with the fam consisted of me reciting this fascinating tid-bit of information. Many people hadn't seen my mom since she had been involved with my dad, which I think left a few folks a little dumb founded. So, where was I with this scenario? Ok, so the next day in Whistler (aug. 17th) consisted of me waking up at 7 am, sitting in my window listening to music until grump-ass and my mom woke up. Then I got in shit for not leaving the hotel room and disrupting Bryan's sleep (which was bull). So, to get out of Big Bry's hair, (haha, if you know him, you know that's a funny joke I just laid out there!) my mom and I sauntered down to the Upper Village. We were headed...well, I don't know where we were headed, but we ran into Auntie Donna, which was pretty funny considering her condo was 20mins away. I decided to hang out with her and Jesse instead of being a supposed nuisance to my mother and Bryan. At

this point I needed to get food into my system

because I think everyone has a pretty good idea about my fainting spells...my family certainly does. Jesse and I (Jesse is a diabetic, so he understood my qualms) went hunting for sustenance. Then Hunter called and we spent 20mins trying to give him directions to our location. Then we hung out with Hunter and Carol and went into expensive Whistler stores. Everybody was famished, so Donna and Jesse and I went to the Mongolian Grill and Carol and Hunter went to...well, I forget. the Mongolian Grill was/is SO good. You basically make your own dinner and watch it being cooked. Then we headed to Maxx Fish to help set up the the wedding. Brenton handed us champagne flutes and told us to get to work drying. Jesse and I were the first to arrive, then more people filtered in and beers were cracked open. The club was downstairs and it had no windows, so it was very dark and looked very small, and to tell the truth, I was really dreading being in that club with a lot of sweaty, drunk people. After that, Donna, Jesse and I headed up to their condo and I finally saw Rob and his partner Jerry. Chris called up and had been abandoned by everybody at the club, so he came and joined us and we had a game of cards, which I completely sucked at and I was so fucking tired. I hadn't seen my mom all day, no calls or anything, so I called down to the Hotel about 5 times before someone picked up. Then the dinner fiasco occurred. Carol called and invited all of us for a BBQ at her condo, which was next to my Hotel (everyone, except for us, had rented huge condos) and so we had plans to go and eat there, THEN Tyler, Chris' son called and told us that "everyone" was gathering for sushi in the lower village and so we were faced with a dilemma, cancel on Carol or go and miss "everybody". And everybody it was, I swear there were about 40 people crammed into this squishy table at the back of this sushi restaurant. Also, once we arrived, they had just finished. So we left and made our way to Carol's for a BBQ. Now, that night was a ball. We played the family game of Wizard

and drank and had a good time. There were many laughs and such good times to talk about. I came in second in the game of Wizard with a lot of help from Uncle Rob, and when I say a lot, I mean he basically played the game for me. That was a good night.

My Last Full Day in Whistler:

"Good Morning!" is the typical greeting in the...morning. Not today. Once again, everybody was grumpy and really not in the mood for talking to each other, but in some form of communication, we reached the decision to go on the "Peak-to-Peak". "What the hell is Peak-to-Peak?" you may ask. Well, I will tell you. It's beauty at it's fullest, it's breath taking and awe-inspiring. It's usually a once in a lifetime experience. "What is this awe-inspiring, once in a lifetime experience you keep droning on about?" Well, it doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, it's amazing. Peak-to-Peak is a gondola ride which goes between Whistler and Blackcomb. Those are mountains, fucking huge mountains. 4000ft I think they are? That morning I was very excited, but exciting soon turned to nervousness. Lining up for the ride, I looked up and took a short breath and kinda swayed. The air was crisp, but the sun was warm. We got our ski-lift tickets and prepared to board. I decided not to go up with my mom, who was really showing her nerves, which I was trying not to do. I went up between Hunter and his dad, Brock. The ride up was amazing, sitting in an open ski-lift is such an exhilarating feeling. Seeing your feet dangle underneath you, above the ground 20ft under you. We had to take 2 different ski-lifts to even get to the top, almost 20mins each, so it was a long ride up. But beautiful. At the summit of Whistler, it wasn't even close to being the top, we did the old tourist thing and had pictures taken etc. Then we got on the Gondola. The ride was 16mins and you travel across this gorge type thing between the mountains. You are SO high up. I did really well with the height factor, and the fact that I was in a little glass box...claustrophobic. Half way across, Hunter: "Hey, you know, this would be a terrible time for the gondola come off the tracks and have us tumble to our death..." THANKS FOR THAT HUNTER! Other than that little comment (which I may have embellished for effect) I was completely fine and was standing up, walking around, leaning on the glass, you name it. Blackcomb was more touristy than Whistler side, I got a shirt. Only $10, Bry paid, I like discounts. Hunter and Brock missed the next gondola, but it was funny because I macro zoomed on the gondola behind us and took a picture of Hunter. Ha. To me, the ride down the ski-lift was the best part because you got the view of all the mountains and the town below and the wind and the smells...it was amazing. Oh yeah! I forgot, Hunter was able to get a cell phone signal 4000ft up in the sky! I laughed. And the ski-lift went right by Val's condo, so Hunter called over and got people out on the deck and we waved. I'm lame, so I enjoyed that! Now was the getting ready for the wedding. I had taken my chic little SoHo outfit Danielle had bought me, but I decided to not get as dressed up for just the wedding and save the dress for the reception at Maxx Fish. The wedding was beautiful, no dry eye in sight. When Brenton stated to tear up, there went the whole audience. He looked so handsome, and she looked so gorgeous. I am not one to fall in love with wedding attire, but her dress was so gorgeous. The way he looked at her coming down the aisle was one of the most loving looks I'd ever seen anyone give to someone. I melted. All I could imagine was the thought of someone looking at me like that, one day. I also couldn't stop day-dreaming about being a bridesmaid. Not so much getting married, but being there for a friend. After the wedding, people just took pictures and visited outside this cultural center where the wedding had been held. It was a very nice location, with the mountains right outside the window. Bryan and my mom were in a big tiff and we were trying everything we could to avoid him, he was being a cranky baby-jerk. We had a few hours to kill until the reception at Maxx Fish, so we went to Donna's condo to get her stuff and then went to our hotel room to get ready. Lo and Behold, Bryan was there and all mad about how we'd wrapped the gift, which I thought looked nicer than any shit Bryan would have picked out. So there started another fight of sorts, I tried to stay out of it because I was focusing on having a really good night! We arrived at Maxx Fish and it looked SO good! All white and vlevety and candle-y. The appetizers were so good, and it's funny because I think the servers thought we were part of the wedding party and kept bringing the food to us, whereas everybody else had to get up and go to the buffet. Losers! The speeches were well done but people had no idea the main course was being served and a lot of people, me sort of included, missed the food. My mom was pretty mad about that. Many people just made trips to a pizza shop right outside. Hunter and I walked back to his condo just to get his wallet and when we got back, the ONLY people dancing were my mom, Aunt Donna and Uncle Rob. I laughed to myself. I ran out to the dance floor to show them what dancing was! I actually danced non-stop for about 4hrs! It was SO fun. Seeing as how this was a club, there was a professional DJ and so all the music just blended together with no pauses. As the night went on, the music got louder and louder. At one point I was so dazed that I wasn't even aware I was moving, I was just so into the beat and my foot just kept moving. That was SO incredibly fun! Saying bye at the end of the night (well, it wasn't for other people) was so hard because I just wanted to stay and dance! We had to ride home with Rob's partner Jerry who was really drunk and like checking out boys my age and telling them they were sexy, it was so gross and that really pissed me off. I don't mind drunk people as long as thy're high functioning and just more loving, not falling over and looking like a fucking zombie. That's probably when I lost all respect for Jerry and we didn't see him after that. Poor Rob, he deserves SO much better than that, but he puts up with it because he's too nice to say anything. Getting to sleep that night was tough because my ears were ringing so much it hurt and Bryan was being a complete ass hole. The next morning I called Aunt Donna, she was at Val's condo, so I walked up to the condo. That walk was crazy hard, because I am not in shape and so walking up a ski hill was not my idea of fun. When I got in, every body was so hung over, it was sort of funny. I mean, I hadn't really drunk much, but I still felt like shit. Everyone just sort of crawled around. They had been at the club until about 2am, but were up later at the condo. Bryan and my mom came to get me at the condo and I said my goodbyes, which were hard to say.

To Be Cont...

Go West Young Man...

Mood: nervous/excited

Music: The Evil That Never Arrived - Stars of The Lid

Clothes: Blue Dress

Stars of The Lid are such an interesting band. I am getting heavy into ambiance music. It's really beautiful. I just swiped the box of "Mr. Christie's Chocolate" from upstairs. At the rate I am going, I will have more cavities by the time school rolls around. Speaking of school, just a little less than a month until we're all back to the grind. I am somewhat excited for school, knowing it's my last year and all. Maybe I am excited to get it out of the way, which I am, but I am sad because everyone will be going their separate ways. Who the hell knows what I will get into. I'm not even sure at this point. Ouch! Lastnight, whilst wandering around downstairs whithout the light on, I walked into the wall, hard. Now I have a big purple, painful, bruise on my nose. Also, my lip got huge! But I just had to chuckle while I was sitting watching the Meteors falling. I think I saw about 10 - 15 "shooting stars" within 20 mins.

I am headed out to BC on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about this whole trip. Most "normal" kids would be thrilled to go out, fly alone etc, but I am not a normal child and have major anxiety and I really would love if it didn't take over while out in BC or on the plane, alone. I have this odd habit of pretending I can't breath, which actually really scares me, and as hard as I try, I can't stop thinking that I can't breath. Oh man, and my brain goes a mile a minute being all scared. I am trying not to be. Best case scenario: Meet the guy of my dreams this trip :P (maybe not...)

haha.

Diddly-Dangly-Doooo

Funkay title, I do say so myself. I am back. I took a whirlwind visit to my home town. I felt not as welcome as I would have wanted to. As soon as I arrived, I left. I felt extremely homesick and that was probably because Ottawa is no longer home. To say that is hard. 404 MacKay is DESTROYED!!!! It's flipping ugly and futuristic and BLAH! Where Erica's old home used to be is also DESTROYED to shit. Same with her old neighbor's home, and another beautiful old apartment, which has been replaced with this god awful silver/glass piece of work. Change is one of the hardest things for me. Actually, it isn't really. It's only hard when it's something that has been so prominent in my memory. Like when I first say 404 around the bend, I thought I was going to cry. It looks nothing like it had and of course I have next to no pictures of how is was in the day (the good day). Erica and I walked A LOT. Which I had said I wanted to do, and not to mention the air felt nice in my upset stomach. If there is one thing about me it is that I am a very picky sleeper and that doesn't always bode well for me. Erica had me sleeping on couch cushions on her floor. They kept separating and I just didn't sleep to the full potential. I decided during the middle of the night that I'd leave earlier than planned, because the thought of staying another night twisted my stomach. (Although, as I thought, I am now regretting leaving so early).  Although I did wait to catch a later bus, which gave us time to galavant. I just feel so bad because I know, other than my rye sense of humour and witty comments, I am not too fun to hang out with. I was looking forward to just letting my hair down, going wild and drinking and having a good time for my 18th bday! Well, that didn't happen. I guess I am very conservative with my actions. We walked around Rockcliffe admiring the swank homes. Admired RPPS and all it's glory. Admired Stanley Prk. and took a spin on the old plat structures, which are still there, they haven't been torn down because of "unsafeness". I was happy. Went to Lindenlea. New Edenborough. Beechwood etc. 

This marks a blog...of life...I don't know this language I am writing miniature men in. Sean Cullen is the funniest.

- Laaaaaaauren

'Cause I'm 18...

Eighteen...

"The age where a Canadian can: 
1. Legally buy pornography 
2. Legally buy cigarettes 
3. Legally gamble  
4. Legally be concidered an adult 
5. Be tried as an adult in a court of law 
6. Buy/drink alcohol in Quebec 

7. vote!

Billy: Wow! I turned 18! I'm going to buy cigarettes and gamble in a shoddy Indian casino! 
Joey: Wow! I turned 21! I'm going to buy vodka and gamble in a real casino! 
Billy: ... damn country."

Bad example. Alright:

For my 18th birthday I celebrated by pouring Bailey's into my coffee, into my mouth, into my coffee, into my mouth...

Made my way down to the dock and spent probably about 3 ish hours just hanging out with my mom. I discovered a new passion for triangular rocks. I've always dreamt of acquiring an odd hobby, and voila! This was so serendipitous! As of now I have 8 perfect triangular rocks which I found in Clear Lake. I think it's Clear Lake, I always get confused because the other cottage I go to, on the Sproule side of things is on Lake Clear, or Clear Lake...

As a result of triangular rock hunting and skipping stones in the mid day sun (with no sunscreen) I am now bacon. My thighs, back, ears and a little bit of my face are quite crispy. Good for me! I afterwards suffered from some sun stroke and I think I am still recovering from that. 

My mom dropped me off at Food Haven (regular chinese in Lakefield, we're friends with the owners...) and met my dad and grandma in there. We had soup, mushroom fried rice and chicken balls (who knew they had balls?). Got home, received a message from Danielle, which made me laugh, and called her back. Talked to her, then called Erica to firm up plans for the weekend, then Aly for a half hour, called my mom and then called Aly back for another 45mins. Next year I want to have a big party, unlike...well I've never had a good party, so let's hope this one's good. Considering I will be legal and such. I also thought about next summer at the cottage and how fun that's going to be! Danielle (Walker) and I will both be 19...YEAH! You know what that means...

I was also fantasizing about having friends up such as me, my imaginary boyfriend (who will exist next summer), Aly and Mason and DW's boyfriend, who is also imaginary at the moment, but I will find her a suitable boy if need be. And Danielle and her boyfriend too. (yes, we will all have boyfriends next summer, it's written)

Got some gift cards, Chapters and Winners. Bought a Douglas Coupland novel today: Microserfs. Should be funny, he's a genius. I've read Jpod, which was SO funny. It caused ruckus in class because I started to laugh really hard about this one part with Ronald McDonald, some horny mothers and baseball bats...

Tomorrow I am going to Ottawa...must go and figure out the bussing shit. I get really apprehensive when traveling, especially alone. Yay, BC alone...plane ride...alone...

Headache

I've always wondered about headaches. I'm not sure if I've had a headache in my life before or not. It's not something I can't easily answer. It's like the common cold, we all know if someone has a cold, or what seems like a cold. They cough and wheeze and have runny noses. That's on the outside, so how is it that someone can all of a sudden say "oh yeah, I definitely have a headache right now..." you can't see a headache, and how do we know that every one's headache supposedly feels like a headache? That brain is a complicated thing, a mysterious, amazing thing, but how is that people are able to label an individual feeling so easily. What if someone got a headache, or what they figured was a headache, and it turned out it was actually brain cancer? I mean I can honestly say that I don't know if I've ever had a headache before in my life, or a migraine for that matter. What is the difference? When my head hurts for whatever reason I have no clue what it's called! All I know is that my brain hurts. Then we're told to take all these drugs to make out headaches go away. Alright, this "rant" is losing steam, but I just don't get the whole headache thing, how can a doctor (s) say that it's a headache for all different people when they have no clue what's going on in people's heads.

Oh God

Oh Jesus! Will it ever stop? EVER? I know it will. This whole Brad thing is draining me, body and soul. I wish he'd just leave me alone! (don't get the wrong idea, he's not harassing me or abusing me) He just...well I just got a message from him that was RIDICULOUS. He basically is saying he went out with me because no one else would. That is so sad. It's sad because that's almost the same reason I gave him a chance, ha. Anywho, I just...want to PUNCH him!
OK ok...
So this passed weekend was Easter. What is it with Easter? It has nothing to do with anything or relevance. What does chocolate have to do with Jesus? I don't see a connection. Religion has been mulled over so bad. It's really sad. I mean, I am not a religious person, spiritual maybe, but that is different. The whole Bible thing is so ridiculous, I mean yes, if it's something you believe in and it helps you through the day, by all means practice it. But it's when none Christians, catholics etc...start taking the religious holidays and making them their own. Why do I celebrate Christmas, why? I don't need to. It's all about making money, same with Easter. I'm glad I'm over the whole Easter thing, it was a good excuse to see family, but other than that I didn't care it was Easter.
- Lauren

Ipod Found

I found my ipod! Thank Allah and Jesus. Or whom ever I should thank...
I am back in the saddle of things, kind of. Not totally, I still dread seeing Brad walking down the hall because I said I'd talk to him, but I have no clue what to say to him. This past week was like a low-budget soap opera.
I bought two new movies this holiday, I bought Babel and Crash. Two very similar movies which both make me ball like a little girl! The messages are just so blunt and thought provoking, although in different ways. I love movies, so much! It's almost sad how much I love movies! That is almost the number one reason it wouldn't have worked with Brad, he A) has shitty movie taste and B) has a very uneducated view on movies and the industry, so I definitely could not have a meaningful conversation with him about a movie we would have just watched. That may sound shallow, and I know people say opposites attract, and maybe so, but in this case, those opposites only attracted for a week! It's kind of sad that I haven't been in an actual relationship, I mean I know its not the be all and end all of the world, and I have so much life to go and will be in relationships, but this is sad because I have been "with" guys but they were never committed, or in this case with Brad, I couldn't commit.
Ah! Lauren, stop talking about that! Talk about something with some substance! But unfortunately that's the only thing filling my head right now, and probably will be for atleast 3 more days.
I will write when I have something iteresting to say.
- Lauren

No more Break

March Break. It's a nice thought, if time stood still. Time makes no sense, who's idea was it to invent this device? Not invent, but make labels on time.

Chronophobia: the fear of time. 

Some people have, and yes, phobia, by definition means "irrational", this fear of time. I don't have this fear/phobia, but I think it is quite relevant because time is never stopping. Every click of tat second hand and your time is coming closer and closer. This blog is not meant to freak you out, nor upset the reader, but I just want to make this known. 

So with all that said, this march break went SO FAST. Not to mention I pretty much wasted all the time on the computer with stupid Brad and now I feel useless because of this thing we call a computer. When someone asks me what I did, all I'll have to say is "um, went to TO and um...spent alot of time on the net..." 

And worst of all, I didn't get to see any of my friends this holiday! Yes, I did see you Susan, but I didn't see any of my friends who are closer in my age, not that age matters, you know what I'm saying. Anyway, tonight there is a huge party going on and of course, once again I am not there. Not that I would be necessarily going, I actually wouldn't be. The fact of the matter is that I am never invited to anything worth going to. AHHH. This blog is to vent...so here we go:

VENTINGVENTINGVENTINGVENTING vent vent vent VENT VENT VENT!!!!!!!!!

good for now,

lauren

Good One

Bradley Ying. Saad Kazi.

These are two boys who are liars. I wish I didn't have to say that, well I guess I don't HAVE to, but I feel I owe it to them to say something like that. Firstly we have young Saad, who actually was such a goddamn cad and a liar to my face. Brad is too. He doesn't have any idea I'm on to him...

Some things, some things, why would he say them? I don't get him. A) he says he actually "kinda doesn't like me"  B) he tells a friend he's "seeing" someone else C) he's racist towards white people...the list continues. I am just tired of this. I know I am young, and I have the rest of my life to be with someone, but the truth of the matter is that I enjoy being liked. I really, truly do. I'm tired of them though. I want to have things in common with them, laugh at the same things, agree about things and joke. There is someone I am liking, but of course he lives about a hour and a half away...as usual the one I was in unattainable. How frustrating? And I also have how I am BLOGGING about this, like anyone cares...not like anyone will read it. Ah well. 

I'll keep my head up and be smart about all of this. I am smart. I am a catch...someone just needs to realize it!

You, Over There

AHHHHH. I have not blogged in quite a long while. Lots has been hitting the fan, and somethings have good alright. Lots of boy troubles, some life troubles and so good things, like Bryan moving to BC. That's always nice. So recently i started talking to Brad, my old grade 6 date. Haha, grade 6...how cute, I know. He was looking good these days, and so therefore I made friendly banter and found out he was very in touch with his "Chinese-ness" and Buddhism, which really caught my attention. Last Friday, it was a beautiful day and I decided a walk was in order, I was talking to Brad on the net and so I invited him for a walk. We met up, we talked (although he isn't the talker) and he walked me home. That night was semi, and he had planned on going with someone, but turns out he didn't know somethings about him which...were important. But he came anyway! We had made plans already to hang out on Sat. and so we did that. It was fun, he gave me a cool Chinese statue and such. So the short and short of this is, he likes/liked me. I am not clear, but we spent a lot of this passed week together. He sends a lot of mixed messages, its all so messed, he's messing with me. BAH.  He's sort of a jerk, and I feel really nervous around him, I know it's not an ideal feeling, but I get drawn to people like that for some odd reason...

Advice...

I want to be...

Different. I want to change. Some aspects of myself I absolutely love, but others I cannot stand. I know this is nothing new in the history of man, but I idolize so many people and I want to be like them. Not a clone, but I want to be remembered and someone to mention how down to earth and great I am. I have no clue what I am saying.

Anywho. Behind me, people are discussing what trip we will be venturing on for a yearbook trip. We may get to watch a TV show being taped, there is this ass rule that says everything has to be educational in some way! ASS.

Gratitude

Lastnight/yesterday, there was a large snow fall. Our neighbor always ends up digging us out because my mom's husband is away and so he comes over with the snow blower and saves our life. So around 9 lastnight he and his wife scamper over and help us once again, but after he was done our driveway, he wanders over to across the street and starts on the woman's driveway across the street. I felt so touched by his gesture to someone else. Then I had this cool idea, that it would be great to be the "mystery snow removal person" and people would wakeup and be surprised! But I needed to write about that because it made me smile and so here's to Dan, the next door neighbor!

TV Show

The title is the song I am so avidly listening to; yeah. (by Martha Wainwright)

Christmas was....for lack of a better word, interesting. Interesting as in I hardly did much at all of which has much importance. Hing out with the dad, who amazes me all the time. Love amazes, boundless love for a child. Its amazing, utterly, he got us Fleetwood Mac tickets, which set him back A LOT of money, well a lot to him anyway because he is not the richest man. Each one was 95 dollars, yeah! what? That's crazy. But I am so excited, when I get a job I plan to buy tickets for my dad and I to go see Paul McCartney, that's my dream concert...

Back at the grind...nothing exciting has happened of course, although exams are fast approaching! YESSS!

I really should not be writing this right now in class, but see, I am in charge of the Foreign Exchange page for the yearbook and I cannot get in contact with the girls I need to interview. They have already returned to Europe and haven't responded to my email! AHHH! This submission is due so soon and I need to get my act together. I also need Ms. B to get all the extra curricular groups to get their pictures taken because I am also in charge of that. GAH.

"I'm not so much of a man, but like a fish out of sand..."
- George Harrison, Cloud 9 (great CD)